Hey y'all,
Please be advised that today's post may be triggering for some. Read with caution.
I was diagnosed with a severe panic disorder last year after being taken to the hospital a few times. I've lived with anxiety for quite some time, but it's never been bad to the point where I was unsure of what was happening to me.
September 25th of 2020, I was taken to a nearby hospital by ambulance. My father had called the paramedics to our home as I laid on the couch, struggling to breathe. I could feel my heartbeat, pumping as if it was trying to power a cruise ship. My left arm began to go numb and got extremely cold. When the paramedics showed up, my resting heart rate was at 175bpm. I was tachycardic. They loaded me up by stretcher and rushed me to a hospital.
This is where it gets worse. I was left in a room, unattended, and without any machines hooked up to monitor my heart beat or oxygen levels for over three hours. I facetimed my fiance at the time, panicking. I felt that I was going to die and no one would notice because there was no machine to warn them that my heart had stopped beating. I was scared. Of course, the pandemic was full blown at that time, so I couldn't have my family with me, ultimately making my anxiety spike.
I kept calling him the longer I laid there, helpless. Finally, a nurse came in and asked me if I was on any drugs, to which I repsonded no. She then asked if I had any allergies and left. Again, no machines. Another hour went by before another nurse came in and hooked me up. When my heart beat appeared on the screen, she began to panic. She quickly hooked me up to more machines, gave me an IV drip and ran out of the room to get a doctor. Not even twenty minutes later, he came in. He listened to my heart and lungs and prescribed me metropolol and ativan. He made me take an Ativan of each before being discharged.
He had informed me that Ativan was to help calm me down and metropolol was to help slow my heart rate down until I could see a cardiologist. My grandfather, who slept in the parking lot all day waiting for me, drove me home. I was too out of it at the time to ask the doctor questions. After only taking two doses of metropolol the next day, I was rushed back to the ER at a different hospital. I kept blacking out with no explanation. I lost my vision almost completely. I could make out colours, but I couldn't actual see what those colours were attached to.
The ER doctor was very kind and took the medication from me. He then informed me that the medication was causing me to lose conciousness. Within a matter of two days, a cardiologist called me. He sent me for test after test, checking everything possible before making a diagnosis. The issue at that time, was that my vision hadn't come back. My parents and fiance had to push me around in a wheelchair because I had become too weak to move on my own without blacking out.
The cardiologist informed me that the medication the previous doctor had given me can result in low blood pressure, which can cause you to blackout unexpectedly if it drops too low. I explained that the other doctor didn't tell me that and I was too out of it to ask those questions. They honestly slipped my mind. After months of testing, he concluded his investigation. My heart is perfectly healthy for a 22 year old. I was suffering from an extremely severe panic disorder.
Since then, I have been petrified to take any medications. It took 6 months for me to take advil again. It took me about a year to recover from most of the trauma. I still have anxiety, severely. This is the worst it's ever been in my life. And now, I have to avoid the news. I can't talk about the pandemic or COVID without having an anxiety attack. I have to avoid any news that could potentially be bad, such as world issues that are happening around us.
I've been stressed and anxious about the food shortage in Ontario. I've grown up poor my whole life, but this is new territory, even for me. It's sad when you walk out of the grocery store with a few small bags of groceries that will barely feed your family of 5 for a week after spending your whole budget. So, today, my mother and I spent ALL day baking cookies to store in the freezer. We don't have 'real' food to eat right now besides pasta, mac and cheese, and celery. The best we can do is to stock up on whatever we can. So, we baked. Tomorrow is all about bread.
Trying to find some normalacy in a world that's falling apart, but it's getting harder and harder every day...
- B-Raditude
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